I’ve devised a list: 40 things to do before I turn 40. There’s nothing on the list I can’t do; all the goals are achievable. The challenge will be to get them all done. They include fun things I want to do, ways to be less of a snappy bitch and to be a more well-rounded gal, and even things that I dread doing but just have to get done. Some goals are daily or weekly or monthly, or some just have to be completed by year’s end.
Goal 1 – Say Thanks. I am grateful for friends, family, this blog and its followers, helpful strangers, and Hanky Panky panties for not riding up my booty like regular thongs do. So the goal here is to express gratitude. I’m talking intentional and thoughtful expressions of gratitude, everyday. It’ll help me realize what a lucky girl I am, and make those on the receiving end of these thank-yous feel pretty special. (Note: 1st goal completed for the day!)
Goal 2 – Spit or Swallow. I’ve drunk my fair share of wine, let me tell you. I know what tastes good, and that’s about it. I’m going to take a wine tasting class and develop basic skills on how to buy and serve wine and to match it with different foods. Are there wineries out there that have wine tasting classes or workshops? Other suggestions anyone?
Goal 3 – Twerkin’ Salsa. Did you know about this twerking craze? This bona fide booty shakin’ phenomenon? Check it out here. No twerking for me (in public), but there are some spicy hip moves I’ll be experimenting con mi amante. This year I’m taking salsa lessons.
Goal 4 – Chill the Eff Out. I have a tendency to react – quickly and violently – to various off-putting comments, actions, and inactions. My husband tells me to relax. I protest – even more violently. He calmly explains, “it’s just what has to happen.” This remark then has the opposite effect, and casts me into an agitated frenzy. Of course he’s right, no need for shoulder-tension and spiked blood pressure. Maybe twerking would help? I’m going to take time for myself each week and relax, with meditation, massage, whatever it takes. It’s what has to happen.
Goal 5 – Oral Delights. Sticky… gooey … oh, yeah! Salty … spicy … That’s it, right there! Mouth-watering goodness … Yes! Yes! Oh … YES!!! So, I’m looking for some new recipes. Simple, healthy, quick and easy concoctions I can get on rotation in my kitchen. I’m burned out on making the same stuff for dinner week in and week out (and in and out, in and out…). Once per week I’m going to whip up some grub from a new recipe. If you have some good ones, please SHARE them!!!
Goal 6 – To Ink. Spew ink onto paper, crease folds of paper gently, slide paper carefully into its temporary safe house, dab the flap with a few quick tongue flicks, press gently to seal, then release the tiny package into the bowels of the big blue box. The ritual of old-fashioned letter-writing, that’s what I’m talking about. The sincerity and warmth a written letter delivers is often lost in today’s mindless emails and texts. One handwritten letter or note per week – to family, friends, or perhaps a stranger who might appreciate a word of encouragement. That’s the goal.
Goal 7 – Teets and Asses. This year I’m treating my family to teet-fondling and ass-grooming. That’s right, milking cows and brushing horses. The goal is to visit a farm, interact with the animals, and learn how real food is made, as opposed to the processed goop.
Goal 8 – Visit a Leper Colony & Other Foreign Destinations. Together we can visit a leper colony, spend time in prison, travel to Istanbul (or Constantinople, whichever you prefer). Shit. We could go to hell and back. We just need to get our noses in some books! Over the past few years reading has taken a backseat to parenting magazines, food labels, and doctors’ pamphlets on the side effects of sleep deprivation. The goal: to read one book per month. I’m out of touch (and out of time), so I need your suggestions and input.
Goal 9 – Cuss Less. Shit! Damn! F*ck! Ahh… that feels better. I tend to cuss. It’s fun. It’s also useful for releasing tension and getting my point across. But it’s unnecessarily vulgar and impolite and dangerous with impressionable little boys’ ears honing in. I need to chill on the cussing, especially around the house or I fear my boys might end up like the South Park crew, cussing in class for f*ck’s sake.
Goal 10 – Eat Out, Without Chains. I love to eat out, unchained. That is, dining at locally owned non-chain restaurants (you pervs). Eating out is a treat for me, because I don’t have to prep, plan, watch the family scarf down the edibles that took me all that time to plan and prep, or clean up the everlasting mess. We support local peeps, whether it be an eatery, bakery, restaurant, or taco stand (Eacho Taco, anyone?). Supporting locals (not locos) feeds money back into the community, and there’s a better chance of ordering more fresh and seasonal meals. One new local outing per month, that’s the goal.
Goal 11 – Frenching. J’avais l’habitude de parler français, mais j’ai oublié la plupart. And for this reason, I intend to freshen up on my French. It’s the international language of cooking, theater, fashion … and of course love (oui, oui). Do you speak French? Causons!
Goal 12 – Unleash the Foot Fetish. It starts with the toes, the funky-to-some digits that are a crucial part of this ritual. And they deserve love, they do, for they will end up beaten and bruised. Hell they might even shed a nail when it’s all said and done. Then come the arches. Yes … massage those arches, they deserve it. They’ve worked hard and they’re about to work harder, with that unforgiving stretching and pounding. And finally those bulbous heels. Ah! Thank those babies in advance for the forward thrusting they’re responsible for! Now, slide ‘em in, lace ‘em up, and you’re ready to RUN! Uhm, yeah, so … we are talking running, right?
Goal 13 – Get Dicey With My Hubby. On my birthday one year, my super-star husband presented me with three dice. Each die includes the names of cities throughout the country.
Goal 14 – Get Down With the Dog. Or what is more officially known as Downward Facing Dog, the rejuvenating yoga pose. Yes, my friends, this goal is all about yoga (and doin’ it and doin’ it…). Nay-sayers! Do not be fooled! A yoga regimen will kick your ass right into shape.
Goal 15 – Get High. I want to get high (sooo high). In preparation, I polled a few friends about their experiences with this popular recreation. One friend defined it as surreal, as she was gently pulled away from the Earth and into the clouds. At first she was nervous, but when she just let go, it was absolutely thrilling. Other friends were not so impressed, and ambivalently urged me to do it, “just to say you’ve done it.”
Goal 16 – Break Maiden. More specifically, break maiden on a handicapped wager as the jockey hand rides his pony down the furlong. Goal 16 is to follow some handicappers’ tips and place informed bets at the track.
Goal 17 – Pitch a Tent. This goal is dedicated to my husband. No matter how hard it might be, I look forward to it – deeply. Now, proper erection might take some practice. I mean, I want it to last long and be strong, even after severe cloudbursts and flash-floods. I envision us in the raw, mother-nature style, though bushwhacking might be overkill. I’m going to have to get dirty, but oh well. We can blaze up to get in the mood and then use a billy to sizzle up the sausage, perhaps sticky marshmallow-y goodness for dessert. My hubby has been trying to get me camping for years.
Goal 18 – A League of My Own. My very own fantasy football team. This league is ALL GIRLS. Wine-swallowing, cheese-tasting, perhaps a manicure and pedicure, massage or facial while we watch (or don’t watch)? One thing’s sure: No stats. No jerseys (no, not even the pink ones). No beer-belchin’ nacho-grubbin’. No boys. This league is mine.
Goal 19 – All Up in My Grill. It’s time to get out my grill and get up in it my-damn-self. I’m going to learn how to man the grill, right after I figure out how to turn it on.
Goal 20 – To Build a Robot. I sketched out a robot and now it’s time to bring the dream alive. Might be a little insane on my part trying to get this done in the middle of everything else going on, but a little stress never hurt anyone.
Goal 21 – F_ _ _ ing: In a Boat. After I find the proper rod, I’ll cast the worm and sink it deep. In a boat, on the water, under the sun … I haven’t been fishing in years, so it’s time to pack a cooler, grab my pole, and hit the pond.
Goal 22 – I Play With Him, He Plays With Me. He strums her chords in standard fashion, then opts for an inversion. I then take the beautiful piece of wood I call my own; it sings when strummed. We come together, harmonize. My husband and I learn a guitar duet or two and play together.
Goal 23 – Sk8 D8. I’ve always been intrigued by a boy on a board. Now it’s my turn. My 4-year old started skating this year and asked me (with that sweet little voice) to join him. It’s a D8!
Goal 24 – Bitches Be Trippin’. Grab you suitcases, girls, it’s time for a destination pillow fight!
Goal 25 – Brew It Up. With all my chatter about wine, beer has been neglected. But I heart beer … cold fresh hoppy beer. I’m brewing 99 bottles, but a bock ain’t one. Instead, for my first batch, I’m thinking a good ol’ IPA. Anyone have a good brew recipe?
Goal 26 – Serve Up Some Shuttlecock. Flick it, drive it, smash it, push it … I’m hosting a good ol’ fashioned badminton tournament. Theme and costumes to be announced. Prizes! Fame! Are you in?
Goal 27 – Hang Out In My Birthday Suit. I like naked. In the raw. Au natural. So I’m researching some nudist colonies. This goal should be easy-breezy … there’s nothing to it.
Goal 28. Face Climb. Not sure if I’ll hate it or love it, but I do hope to learn what all the fuss is about. With a little leg-thrusting and fancy finger work, I intend to reach the peak: rock climbing 101.
Goal 29: The Birthday Diaries’ First Annual Dressing (Bake)-Off.Saturday, November 16th, The Birthday Diaries will host it’s first annual Dressing-Off! Whether you call it dressing or stuffing, it doesn’t matter, we’re celebrating this favorite American holiday with a contest for the best stuff! Entrants will be judged based on 1) presentation; 2) taste; and 3) originality. Let me know if you want in … !
Goal 30: Shoot Me. Boudoir fashion shots. Whatever shall I wear?
Goal 31: Come on Down. I want to be the next contestant on the Price Is Right!
Goal 32: Know When to Hold ‘Em. Texas Holdem, Omaha, Seven Card Stud. What’s the difference? I intend to find out. I’m learning to play poker.
Goal 33: Round and Round. Hoopin’. Hula style. I already have offers from third graders to help teach me how! Great!
Goal 34: Riddle Me This. Seriously. You have to solve the riddle to know what this Goal’s about. Go here.
Goal 35: Talk Derby to Me. Hip checks, booty blocks, giner shiners, and Velcro kisses. Don’t miss out! We’re headed to the San Diego Roller Derby. Jam with me!
Goal 36: Stick a Needle In Me! I’m Done! Needles and blood make me faint. Pain, I’m not so fond of. But I’ll get this goal done – cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my … I don’t know, haven’t decided yet.
Goal 37: TBA
Goal 38: TBA
Goal 39: TBA
Goal 40: Tin Roof Rusted. Making babies. Done and … 6 months to go.
The Birthday Diaries 